5/4/2012

 basically 3/4 the clocks just struck 12 so...3/5/2012

Just when you mean to tell her, you have no more love to give her

Suzanne - Nina Simone

Still bumping it, still great!!!!

P.S. was asked to be a godmother today, which means someone in the world wants me to take care of their child when they pass away...errr if they pass away.

5/3/2012

Today was hard. Nothing really to talk about. I did get an HR person from Fuse Network (music network) contact me about some licensing job. Although it was only for an assistant. Anyways, I'm 'looking into it'.

I will be something! I'm destined to be something!

Goodnight!! :)

5/2

I have expressed to friends close and some not close about my breakdown and fears. Some understood, some took it and spoke about themselves, and some did not get it all. To be fair, the ones who did not get it weren't the closest of my friends.

Anyways, revelation stuff or stuff that made me feel good today. I texted Vincent about doing a demo or two. He actually responded to me and said we should talk about creating the demo. I hope he doesn't try to charge me a lot and maybe we can do some type of barter thing. I dunno. He also stated that he was glad to see i was on my music stuff to which I responded "I have been writing alot!" which i have been recently. I haven't written today, although I do kind of have the urge to write. But i have the urge to watch girls more.

Also, started to fall in love with an awesome Nina Simone song  called Suzanne. Pretty awesome! makes me happy :)

I will make it! I will be somebody!! I am destined to be more!!!

Good night :)

It begins

3 years later and it really begins...

It's probably my bazillioneth time starting a blog, lets see if this one can really stick.

To start off, I would like to declare, I'm writing this blog for me. For me to be cathartic about my life, because I have no freaking clue how else to be. Others would go shopping, take drugs, or occupy themselves with drama with the opposite sex...I am not afforded the luxury. While my barely $30,000 a year job is more than generous in this inexpensive city of new york *cough sarcasm* I have no money to shop and i'm barely holding onto my bills. I do get high 'occasionally' on the weekends (only the unproductive weed) it mostly ends in me thinking deeply about death, how the world is going to end, or the mystery called the universe. Oh and I have a wonderful boyfriend/husband (Thank god for that one). So basically those options are out.

I have broken down and cried today. While this may have something to do with me being on my period tomorrow, I believe its the overwhelming sense that I don't have a vision for my life. I'm not too sure when this all started but it's definitely come to ahead as many of my friends are moving on to bigger and better jobs. I lie to myself and say I'm trying to do the songwriting thing,  but while it is something i really would like to do, i'm not sure if I have the passion and if I'm even good at it. It's surprisingly hard to find someone to collaborate with when no one around you wants to do anything musical. Or when they hear your 27 and 'just starting out'. I lie and say I have things written, when honestly I don't even think I have one full song. Which also makes me wonder if that's what everyone else is doing...

Anyways, so I guess this blog will be a road to me discovering who I am. I recently, as in 30 minutes before I completely broke down and cried, read a blog on Oprah's site on how to create an effective and meaningful vision board. Best believe I was about to put of the cash, vacations I would like to go on, and the most passionate famous singer songwriter I could think of...Taylor Swift crossed my mind. She really goes in on her boyfriends...or so I've been told by Kathy Griffin and other comedians. I do really like that romeo and juliet song hmmm... Anyways, back to the article. It said not to put up things that we think we want based on what society tells us. We need to go back to our instincts to move towards our goals. The first thing was to find images that move you, that you see and you just get a feeling inside. The only thing I could think of was the Florence and The Machine song "Shake it out". I'm not sure why I have a strong connection to the song. I mean I feel like its a good song for anyone that down. Anyways, today in the bathroom I had a lip synching session to the song after my shower and I totally felt it! This was pre-reading the article, so I thought this def needed to go on the "vision board" as...hmmm the emotion I want someone to feel from my work. An overwhelming emotion of talent. I just wrote that without even really thinking about it. I think that's what I really want. I want someone to look at my work and think...this girls going somewhere or this girl has some talent.

So item one down. Onto thinking of some more things to put on my vision board. Maybe a clear vision will form once I find out the things that move me....

I'm destined to be more! I know it!!!

P.s. My boyfriend witnessed my full breakdown and being the good person he is he tried to fix me. I'm afraid it's going to take baby steps, but its great to know that he's by my side. He just gave me this little note from what he was reading in his management book. Basically keys to figuring out where you belong (it's within an organization but I believe can possibly be translated to life):

1.) What are my strengths?
2.) How do i perform?
3.) What are my values?

Also I should probably keep a schedule. So I think I'll try to write something everyday, even if its just 'nothing' to try and keep this momentum going.